KILAHADEY

    For the past couple of days now, i have been struggling with some things. Things that a 3rd party on hearing, would think i do not have anything better to do. Well, we all have different background, past and all of that; that has shaped us in one way or the other to who are are today.

    These couple of days i have struggled with thoughts about attention. Well, this isn't the first time i would talk about it but yeah, I'm just being me. 

    Me being a "macho-guy" in the eyes of some people is totally different from who i really am. I have only genuinely loved 2 people my entire life. My ex  and YOU. 

Yes YOU Aderogba Ayinke Adebola.

    Talking about being "macho". I am not and will never be; most especially to someone i say i love. In other words, i do not know how to hide words of affirmations, feelings spikes, act of service ... to mention a few. Hiding or holding any of these towards someone i really love is a total identity theft for me. 

IDENTITY THEFT. Being someone you're not. Jeremiah 13:23. So definitely, i cannot.

    Days ago, i started to feel like i wasn't getting any attention. Less of what was somewhat Less (if you understand what i mean). Before i knew it, thoughts started rushing innn.

• How can she say she didn't see my message for over 7hrs?
• She didn't even talk about not replying me after seeing a missed message and tried to avoid accountability.
• Even if she did forget, how can she go 7+ hrs not checking to see if i had texted already.
• This says a lot about priority.
• This isn't the first time
• She is still around me. What if she travels out or goes to Lagos with a much busier timeline
• I think i am expecting too much from her

Endless thoughts i must say.

I wouldn't actually blame me. Actions leads to Reactions so they say (something like that).

    I would say when i started knowing you, you had almost all the free time you could enjoy (compared to now). So i guess me adapting to things since December is not as fast and easy as i thought. My body and brain adapted. I guess the heart just want what it wants!

    Before this incident also, i sent a lot of heartfelt messages to your DM before day break and guess what? Either you guessed right or you don't recall at all.

Actions keep leading to things..

    For a minute, i felt i was doing too much. I felt my love for you was too much for you to handle. Maybe she just doesn't know how to act with such expressions of love. I thought!!!

I felt i was moving faster than simply saying "I-L-Y", "I-L-Y-S-M". Yeah something as simple as that.

Late to No attention with no explanation? Oh yeah it happened again! But sometimes, you just have to move on and accept some things.

Talking about moving on and accepting somethings.

In terms of relationship dynamics, even gravity doesn't drift this off-course.

    Patterns upon patterns. Dots connecting Dots. Incidents upon Incidents. I keep seeing and remembering cases where i should have made you accountable for your actions. Situations where i should have made you explain yourself. She would change, i just have to be patient. I said!!

Patience. I struggle with it atimes ... Pancake? Amala? Cinema? Make Out? Proposing?

    All these led to series of thoughts. Things she should know. Things she should do, Why she holds back from me, Why she's scared to initiate actions, Why she's scared to make a mistake around me, Why she's trying to be 100 percent perfect etc. 

    I started to misbehave. I struggled and actually struggle with opening up even when asked due to my past experiences.

    Then Boom!!! I remembered the promises i made to you that night. How i read that i am suppose to be a complete and complimenting personality for you. How i am suppose to keep showing up for you. How i am suppose to take you up when your flaws are holding you down. How I LOVE YOU is way more than 7hrs of no attention, lack of courage to initiate things with me in the relationship. How LOVE oversees all flaws. How you're not even pregnant and yet to give me serious mood swings etc.

LOVE supersedes all!

    I was carried away by negative thoughts and Chat-JÌBÌTÍ. 

Not neglecting so much work you also need to do for the progress of this relationship, i realize that you also cannot give what you don't have yet. I cannot make you be who you are not. Make you walk on egg shells etc.

    So much that i haven't remembered to say, but so much that i have said.

But this post is incomplete without saying that

I AM VERY SORRY FOR HOW I MADE YOU FEEL FOR SOME DAYS NOW

I also want you and i to be okay. Always okay.